i don't like that i don't like you

the daily taryn - october 22, 2021

Not you, reader. I guess unless you’re reading this, Machine Gun Kelly.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I dislike disliking people. It’s rare that someone grinds my gears so badly, I put them in the “nope” category. It’s obviously easy to do with celebrities or politicians or people we don’t actually know — like the aforementioned — because they’re distant and public and my feelings towards them don’t matter much.

But when it comes to people I know, I’m so conflicted. I could go as far as saying "I hate hating people" but it’s just not accurate.

I don't hate anyone. Not because people aren’t shitty and deserving but because it's too finite. It’s too spooky. It feels like more of a curse to me than it is to them. When it gets to that level of dislike, it acts like resentment — it’s heavier on you than it is on them.

But beyond that, I don’t know what to do when I don’t like someone. The realization alone is weird. With food, it’s fine. Mustard is bad. I don’t like it. And I am 10000% okay with not liking mustard. Easy dislike.

Now. A person. A friend, a friend of a friend, someone at work, a cousin.

It’s weird to say, “you know what, you’re not my cup of tea and I don’t want to do anything that inches towards seeing if you’re my cup of tea. And even if you could be my cup of tea, I suddenly don’t want tea.”

But we feel it. We all feel it. Maybe for one person or a handful or a couple every few years. Someone that makes you go, “nooo they’re here?? and why do i care that they’re here?? but i do can we gooo??” Especially when the person isn’t bad and hasn’t wronged you. They don’t stink and they’re actually, conventionally nice. But they’re just not yours.

It’s just the weirdest feeling to admit and to know what to do with. It’s fine and not. It makes you feel like a kid and an adult at the same time. Kid, because you’re supposed to like everyone. And adult, because you get to like and dislike whatever you like and dislike.

So you’ve got your person. They’re not it for you. And if you’re lucky, they feel it back at you. I have a person in my life who I believe feels this mutually with me. And we’ve never acknowledged it, and I don’t think either of wants or needs to. And it’s weirdly cute. We have a thing about not wanting to have a thing, and the weirdest part is…

It makes me kinda like them?

I like stuff like this. No answer. Just thoughts.

Have a lovely weekend my people.

Talk soon <3

Your friend,

Taryn