norms matter

the daily taryn — sept 20, 2023

Wait. You guys. I cannot express how many times it took me to title this correctly as Norms matter instead of NormAs matter. My little dumb fingers could not refrain from trying to make this about an old woman — NormA — who I do not know, but apparently want to know. Very deeply.

To every Norma out there — this could've been about you. It maybe should’ve been. But it’s not. And I hope you’re okay and happy doing NormA(L) things. I love you and I like you and I’m sad to not know you. (Why don’t I know a single Norma??? Feels illegal.)

Okay, onto the normzzz.

thoughts on paper

In our newest ep of Staying Up, I very briefly referenced my trustiest steed, my best friend, the lovie of my lifie — this little black notebook. If you’ve been around long enough you know I’m a lifelong journaler, blah blah I’ve talked about this too much, but after a couple years of trying to go digital, I’ve revolted and gone back to the good side. The paper side.

So, I carry this pocket-sized moleskine with me 90% of where I go. It nestles right into my backpack, purse thing, or — depending on the carpenter-ness of my pants — even in an actual pant pocket.

This sounds ridiculous but after so much life spent with these babies on hand, they feel like a comfort blanket. Like, anytime I’m out and need a dose of “homeness” I undo it’s little string, pop open my pen, flop her open (ew) and let me thoughts out.

The content of these notebooks cannot be generalized beyond: “thoughts and things.” One page has notes from a book about word choice (when to use could vs. should). One has a brutal game of hangman from a park in Paris. Another has “Do I like cats?” with a few words about a cat I met and tried to befriend in Italy.

But most have fleeting thoughts that, at some point, I didn’t want to be fleeting. Little blips and observations that gave me pause or joy or hehe or aw, and I didn’t want to forget about them.

In order to fill many notebooks like this over a lifetime (see picture below), my friends and family have seen my whip them out all over the place. At a fancy dinner. On a hike. In the car. On top of the Seattle Space Needle.

It’s become my norm.

But when I’m around someone new, I wonder how they feel seeing me do it. I’m just sat there in a conversation when something strikes and I, like a little weasel, unearth a little black book and jot things down like my life depends on it. In my head, it’s very rodent-like. Frantic, acorn-stashing energy.

And as I new person that doesn’t know that this is my norm, I wonder what they think about this creaturesque action of mine. Do I look rude — disengaging to scribble? Do I look smart — like, what nugget of gold has this scholar just stumbled upon? Do I look like a lil toddler buddy — needing to take a second to play with my crayons at the dinner table?

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Maybe I do. And that’s okay. But explaining this norm to said new person would explain a lot about who I am, what I value, and that sometimes I do just need a little time with my crayons.

Learn your peoples norms

Enough talking about the thing — let’s hop into my trusty notebook for a second. Here’s what I wrote 9/9/23, somewhere in south Italy.

Norms matter. I think they’re most noticeable when you’re traveling abroad. Like, in American restaurants, it’s rude for the server to not check in consistently. If they’re not swinging by on an often-and-regular basis, you’re getting antsy and will likely have to do some switchups to your normal tip amount.

But in France, for example, it’s beyond rude to keep checking in. Waiters wait (lol - waiters gonna wait) for you to make the move. You’re a big kid, you can signal them over when you’re ready. They don’t want to bug you, and they’re probably on a smoke break anyways.

And while that might be annoying to us American travelers, it’s normal — even kind — to let us enjoy our time with friends and family, uninterrupted. It’s their norm.

Norms are much easier for me to pick out when I’m traveling, but I need to pinch myself — often-and-regularly — to remember that norms are always at play. Every person has their own set from how they grew up, where they were raised, who raised them, who didn’t raise them. And every time you learn about a person’s norms, you learn about who you they are and why they do the things they do.

Every “this is the way I do it” or “I see it like this” gets you 1 massive leap closer to understanding the people in your life. Like, we’ve probably all had that moment where we’ve met our friends parents and thought, “Oooooooooooh ahhahahah. THIS explains everything.”

Learn about the people you love. Every new bit of info — every norm uncovered — is another piece in the puzzle of understanding your crew.

So, do more puzzles. Not just when you’re on holiday in a cabin, but when you’re home with your people. They’re fun — especially when you do them together.

Aaaaand this is where I leave you. If you read and liked, please tell me somehow — comment, share, whatever. Means the world to hear back from you all!

Talk soon.

your friend,

taryn