some life-altering news, please?

the daily taryn — june 29, 2023

Last week, I did something that you could view in two different ways:

1. It was either helpful, proactive, and a very smart choice.

Or.

2. It was an open invitation to internal chaos.

Strap me down and tell me if I’m doomed

Ever gotten an MRI? In my early 20s, I got a few MRIs for migraines I was having. They’re generally… not fun. You change into a little frail pilgrim-style gown. You climb into the medical edition of a Pringles can. And while trying to stay completely still, the machine moves you around to the sound of the loudest boops, beeps, and slams you’ve ever heard.

So no, they’re not the best. But this MRI was truly the most boujee experience I’ve ever had. I would’ve stayed longer if I could — I literally fell asleep.

The gown was less pilgrim, more PJ. The waiting room was like a New York hotel room, small, but still private. And the promise of endless snacks, coffee, tea, and coconut water gave me the will to continue through the 4 hour fast.

Although you still have to lay in the Pringles can for an hour, YOU GET TO WATCH NETFLIX. WITH HEADPHONES. AND SUBTITLES. When my lil technician asked what I wanted to watch, I very quickly said “Married at First Sight Seasons 12 Episode 1 thank you.”

The only less than spa-like experience for this particular MRI is that they literally strap you down like you’ve lost your marbles. And not just a few, but every single marble. I couldn’t have moved if I tried.

I watched MAFS. help my breath when they told me to hold my breath. I dozed off. I wondered if pretzels were in the box in the lobby.

And I completed at 60 minute, full body MRI that will check basically every part of me for diseases and cancers that little old me might not know about.

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…And? You okay?

Not sure yet. A radiologist’s report (and pictures of my insides) will land in an app on my phone within the next 2 weeks.

So, we’ll see. As captain of The Health Anxiety Girlies of the World Foundation, I’m battling how I feel about this test. I’m going back and forth.

Am I mad at myself for inviting this much information into my brain? What if they see something in my spleen — an organ I’ve truly not thought about once — and although they believe it’s benign, I am positive it must be removed?

Or am I proud of myself for being proactive? For risking the possibility of the above for the hope of peace of mind. For trying to believe that if something was really wrong, it would show up. And if something is wrong and shows up, it’s better to deal with than not know about it.

Every hour, it changes. I’m proud of myself. Then mad at myself. Then elated and excited. Then terrified and checking this stupid app for the 2098209384th, even though they said 5-10 business days and it hasn’t even been 2 full business days because dumb little me set this up before a holiday — which, who knows how much extra time that will add to this whole Pringle situation?

Calm and vibes and assurance, please.

I have no reason to believe anything is wrong, and I know deep down that I’m proud of myself for being proactive about my health. BUT. I could still use the good vibes. Not only for good results, but for a calm, comfy next 4-9 business days.

And this is where I leave you. If you read and liked, please tell me somehow — comment, share, whatever. Means the world to hear back from you all!

Talk soon.

your friend,

taryn