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the daily taryn - january 17, 2022

WHAT A NIGHT… that I truly haven’t processed until writing it out in this moment, so here we go.

One of my best friends from college got married on Saturday. I’ve known about it for a while but for whatever reason had put zero thought into who else would be there. I started to think about it when I looked at the wedding website to find their registry and ended up stalking the guest list for an hour. I was both excited and terrified, because so many names on this list were people who were actual family to me in college when I was wildly in love with Jesus and very quietly realizing I was gay.

[Pause. If you haven’t heard, I was super Christian from highschool to a few years after college, and the people I’m talking about were people I lived with, worked with, cried with, spent all of my college years with thanks to Cru.]

I let myself have a moment and didn’t think about it again until Friday at 7:37am when I got a text from one of those friends — one I haven’t talked to in literally 10 years, but used to see every day. He put us in a group chat with 5 other people who I have the same “used to see constantly, now talk to never” relationship with.

This was the text.

“What’s good family?!? This is _______ (in case you have deleted my number and attempted to erase me from your memory forever) NICE TRY. Anyway, I peeped the guest list and saw you beautiful people were coming… I am getting in today and would love to see yall. Holler atcha boy is I’m not currently dead to you <3”

It was so him, I felt like I was in college again. And when the stupid responses starting pouring in, I was suddenly an ASU student. People picking on each other. Others being cute and genuinely excited. Calling someone out for always being disorganized, which is apparently as true today as it was in 2010.

The only thing that was glaringly different is that they all had kids now, and I was engaged to a woman.

So.

I was nervous. And excited. But nervous.

The day

Cam and I spent the day getting ready, trying to remember to eat, and driving to the venue. I told her who she should expect to meet. I described them with things like, “I used to date his brother” and “these three were my roommates” and “he looks like a lion and talks like he’s always doing slam poetry.” Cam was nervous, not only because it was a bunch of new people that meant a lot to me but because, as far as I knew, they were all very actively still Christian.

[Pause. I had plans to write this whole big thing breaking down the entire night. How I felt at every part. What I imagined Cam was feeling. What it all meant. What I wanted it to mean and what I wanted it all to become. But, as I’m sat here writing this, I don’t have it in me? Not because I’m sad or emotional or upset (I’m not) but because my ear fucking hurts and trying to write something that sounds good and means something and has correctly capitalized letters (unlike anything I post on instagram) is just not happening for me right now. So, instead, I’m going to make a very me-style (messy, casual, unbaked) list of observations from the experience. Enjoy.]

• people stay the same. so many people there were *exactly* as I remembered them. not in the sad “wow they haven’t changed…” but in a “wow, i know this person so deeply and their little mannerisms and cute little things they say and do are still them. still who they are.

• people change. the friends i had in college were messy, immature, aimless goobers. we had next to no responsibility or fucks to give. we had jobs to make money. rent was cheap. we gave no real thought towards what we would be doing when we were, idk, in our 30s. these same people are now *literally* lawyers or people who build space telescopes or move to Denver because it feels “more like them.” they have 4 kids or 3 kids or 2 kids or are trying for a 5th.

• familiarity is the ultimate comfort. in college, Cru (campus crusade for christ lol) facilitated a lot of times to be together. whether it was meetings, bible studies, small groups, socials, conferences, summer long trips, whatever — we had reason to get together a lot. and beyond that, we all lived with/by each other, and with that, I’m not exaggerating. there was a “cru house” (where cru guys lived), the “estrogen estate” and the “babe barn” (where cru girls lived — I lived in both), and an entire apartment complex where nearly every apartment was filled with cru people. we shared rooms, walls, homes, backyards, and it was all on the same street. SO, to say I’m used to being around these people is the biggest understatement of my life. i had a moment at the wedding when i was in a conversation and could see a few guys in the background talking, and i was just so deeply comfortable seeing them talking. i couldn’t hear them, so they really could’ve been shitting on me for all i know, but i’ve just spent so much time in a room with them that just know that they were there was like being at home with your brothers. you don’t have to be interacting but it feels like you’re together. i was so shocked i still felt this, after being away from these people for 10 years. but i did. and it was lovely.

• beliefs are a journey. cam and i were fittingly sat and what I now would call “the people who probably aren’t very religious anymore” table and i loved every minute of it. we’re all so used to being open with where we’re at that it didn’t take long before we were talking — with a weird amount of levity — about our religious trauma and where we land now. someone remembers the day I had to stand in front of all of cru leadership and tell everyone I was stepping off with no explanation (hint: it was because I was gay), and even though she had no hand in it, she asked how I was doing and apologized. even though she was someone I truly hadn’t thought about in years, it was so deeply healing. i needed it.

• just because it’s big to you doesn’t mean it’s big to them. although everyone knew I was with Cammie (social media, thank you), i was obviously still very nervous about bringing her around because i (spoiler: wrongfully so) thought people would not be chill. it’s not that i didn’t think they’d be chill, it’s that i thought they would be outwardly chill and inwardly like, “aw, they’re so lost.” but no. that was no the case. people were ecstatic to meet Cam, and beyond that, were truly so happy for us. very few people there had as fundamentally-bible-y beliefs as we did back then. i had so many people apologize, or check in, or remind me that they’re 100% supportive. people were pulling out all the stops to show that “being gay is not a thing” and i really needed it. something that felt so big to me was something so small to them. also, i learned a friend tell a story about how big of a crush he had on me for a minute and it felt so big to him and i truly had zero idea.

• community is real, and important. this night reminded me how special community is to me. and not like, friend group. i don’t mean the people in your party pics or the ones that make the “i guess they can come” list . i mean real, true community. people who know you. people who get you. people who have seen so many sides of you, but most importantly the sides not everyone gets to see. people who might not know your parents name but know what kind of parent you’ll be. people who, even if you didn’t see them for 10 years, are still truly, deeply rooting for you.

• and community, belief, familiarity — it’s all hard to lose. i have the most bittersweet aftertaste from my experience with the wedding. i got a glimpse of what used to be very good things that have been, for a long time, tainted for one way or another, regardless of it was perceived or real. and even if not tainted, the distance and realization of time passing is just.. heavy. i imagine it’s what it would feel like to see pictures of your kids as babies. like, “holy fuck. what a different time. they were so young. so naive. we were so tired and messy but i miss parts of it.” it’s like, if only current me could be there to experience it all again. i’d look at it all with such a new light. with more open hands. taking a lot more pictures and being as present as possible. and gosh, with religion. no big thoughts here other than to say, it’s wild to see how hard it is to talk about “losing” religion or Christianity. when folks talked about it — making “escaping a cult” jokes that we all laugh at and know it’s both exaggerated and a little not — it’s sad. i can tell the air is heavy. because it brought us so many good things. like belief. and community. and maybe above all, familiarity.

and that’s all i have to say, i think. i’m so happy i went and am truly curious to see what comes of it. i wonder who will reach out or who i’ll reach out to. i wonder what will stick and what might push me to rethink some things. i wonder how much time i’ll spend wondering about it.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

as always, thanks for reading. comment below, with anything you’d like. i read everything.

talk soon <3

your friend,

taryn