she's unhinged and we love her for it

the daily taryn — sept 13, 2023

It’s me. I’m she.

There are few things I’ve done in my adulthood (could stop the sentence here but I won’t) more chaotic than what I did to you last newsletter. In JUNE (like, 3 months ago June), I sent a haunting little ditty about getting a full-body, 300-types-of-cancer-finding MRI. I asked for vibes and prayers and all the intangibles you can give to another person.

And I just,

NEVER. SAID. ANYTHING.

I opened up to you about my deep state of anxiety and possible life-changing results, and then invited you into some anxiety on my behalf. It sounds very “wow I’m important - people care about me hehe” which wouldn’t be fair to say unless many of you reached out to check in. And you did.

For how much I hate ghosting, I was the Casperyist of them all. And for that, I apologize.

Now, for the results.

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hahahahahah

I’m 100% fine. Like, glowing results — the types of results they “very rarely see in patients” that get this MRI. I have no cysts, lumps, and most important, no cancer lurking in organs I feared it would.

And while I should absolutely rejoice and live renewed as the medical miracle I am, I’ve had a very hard time accepting these results. After getting them, I spent the first month wondering if I should get retested. Sure, a few small “nice to know” things did come up, but could they have gotten it wrong? Did the machine not work? Did the technician fall asleep reading the images, then ship half assed findings into my inbox anyway?

Probably no.

But accepting that things are just fine — even good — is very hard to do.

Sometimes you actually can trust the silence.

Have you ever been hit in the face with silence? Like, you’re having coffee or camping or laying in bed in the middle of the night and realize, “holy shit, it’s SO quiet right now.”

It’s weirdly unnerving. I immediately go into “what’s about to happen” territory, like the silence is the precursor to something destructive. Mother Nature’s deep breath before a violent exhale.

But can you think of any time in your life where silence has been disrupted by something truly heinous? I can, but only in scary movies. The scared lil sorority girls hiding in a closet (literally and metaphorically), refusing to make a single sound — only to have the silence exploded by some creepy dudes knife charging through the door.

In real life though? Nope, not really. I’m rarely jolted out of silence. You might hear a little bird chirp, or a creak in the stairs. The wind tossle some leaves on the tree you fear is far too big for your backyard.

Maybe we don’t need to be so scared of silence.

Maybe no results — “everything is totally fine” — is actually just totally fine. Maybe it’s not an indicator of something worse coming.

And in the off chance that it is — that this silence is in fact the calm before the storm — we’ll deal.

But until then, trust the silence. Enjoy the fine. It’s one of life’s very few moments for it. Relax into it.

Aaaaand this is where I leave you. If you read and liked, please tell me somehow — comment, share, whatever. Means the world to hear back from you all!

Talk soon.

your friend,

taryn